I WANT TO BELIEVE

I have started to "dream" again. Of course I realize that whenever one enters REM sleep one is experiencing a dream state and without REM sleep one could not survive. I have been relatively healthy for 25 or so years so I must me REM-ing and therefore dreaming, but I am of course referring to the ability to remember and retain the actual contents of those nocturnal musings of the subconscious. I digress... In my life I have rarely dreamt of individuals I knew in rational scenarios. I have dreamt of my family being attacked and turning into vampire/zombie like creatures and being unable to stop it, I have flown around the gym of my elementary school, frozen time and a girl I had a crush on, I have rescued a girl from the clutches of psychotic boyfriend with a Tommy Gun, but never involving real situations at least until a few weeks ago. I dreamt that I was in a relationship with a girl I know. Everything in the dream was vivid and rationally composed. Not even one element of the bizarre or unrealistic was present. Its probably just because I had been thinking about her a lot lately and the idea of a relationship with her has crossed my mind, but the fact still stands.
I usually try not place too much weight on the murmurings of my rational mind's rest, but every once in a while strange things happen. For example, I never and I mean never dreamt of my grandmother until the night before she died. Again... it could be possible that I had and not remembered, but as far as I can remember, I had not. In fact the dream was so vivid and disturbing that I woke up with a start and went back to sleep, but was woke up hours later to my mother in tears on the phone hearing the news. I have also had "feelings" before. I know it sounds silly and I DO NOT claim to be psychic or a medium or anything of the sort, but there have been things that I cannot easily shrug off as fluke or a law of large numbers occurrence. Maybe I just fall too closely behind Fox Mulder and "I want to believe" so badly in the supernatural, higher powers, destiny, grand plans, and the like that I even entertain such notions. I don't know...
I want think that it is a "sign" that I should do something and things will just workout and fall into place like in the romantic comedies that I tend to indulge in more often than I'd like to admit. Then again I have also have dreamt that I was staring consciously upward as one decrepit zombie woman slowly and painlessly tore off pieces of my flesh and gave it to another "healthy" woman who upon refusal of her "Jimwich" was attack and gruesomely mauled by the zombie woman. I have no reason to even entertain this as a sign or possibility of occurrence. Why do I even grasp at the other straw-like dream? Am I a hopeless romantic, a blind fool, a mystic, an optimistic realist, am I John looking for a revelation, a leader looking for a direction to lead, a flawed machine, or maybe another isolated mind searching for meaning outside the vacuum? Maybe I'm all, maybe I'm none, perhaps a mix. I don't know... Whatever the case, I do know that I want to believe.

The Perfect Girl

Lately I've been watching a lot of 80's movies again and not just any 80's movies. I've been watching things like Mannequin, Date With An Angel, Can't Buy Me Love, Ghostbusters, Superman, and Back to the Future I-III. The first three movies being the most recently watched. I realize that they are really cheesy and not the best movies in the world, but I continue to watch them. Subconsciously and sometimes actively and consciously wishing to find the the perfect girl like Jonathan Switcher or Jim Sanders. I mean, these guys literally had beautiful women thrust upon them by forces outside their control and despite everything trying to keep them apart, Jonathan and Jim get the girl. Even Ronald Miller of Can't Buy Me Love got the girl despite all of his screw ups. Perhaps its just the hopeless romantic within me desperately clinging to the hope that real love works the same way. Perhaps the only reason that I am still alone is that she merely hasn't found me yet. However my continued studies, philosophical rationality and scientific observation constantly deflate my optimistic indulgence into the romantic. Statistics would say that the odds are stacked against me, some friends say "she doesn't exist," and physics says that there is one out there but not necessarily in this dimension. All these voices chip away at the base of my hope. Only by repeated ingesting of such movies am I able to maintain my blissful fancies of the hope. Without any proof and only blind faith that I will find her, It's time for another cheesy romantic movie to recharge my hope.